Please Help Me Raise My Kids

Audio By Carbonatix

Dave and Gayle raised three children who grew to be upstanding adults. Their firstborn daughter is married to a college professor in Indiana and has two children of her own. Their son is married with two kids and works as a pastor in West Michigan. Their youngest daughter and her husband live in Arizona, where she serves as a nurse. People often compliment Dave and Gayle for bringing up such great kids, but these parents refuse to take the credit. The two of them know that it wasn’t merely their own efforts that produced such a family.

When their three kids were growing up, countless others were instrumental in shaping them. This was no accident—Dave and Gayle sought out individuals and asked them to spend time with their children. When their son was in seventh grade, they enlisted a ninth grader who could mentor him in life. When their daughter was in her young teens, they secured a twenty-something to spend “out for coffee” times with her. They also made sure their kids were involved in youth programs that would help to build character.

Dave and Gayle did all these things because they knew one very important fact: children want to know how to live, but they don’t always want to live in the shadow of their parents. Young people care about wisdom and decency and morality, but that doesn’t mean they think Mom and Dad have it all figured out. Your kids would like answers, but they won’t always want to get them from you. If you’re a parent, there is going to come a day—if the day hasn’t come already—when your kids will stop caring what you have to say about things. When you talk, they won’t listen. When you share your heart with them, they won’t even pay attention. Your opinions won’t matter. Your thoughts will be insignificant.

Your kids will scoff at your parental genius and roll their eyes after even the most brilliant things you say. They’ll sigh in disgust when you list your reasons for setting a curfew at midnight. They’ll slam their bedroom door in your face when you explain why they can’t borrow your car and drive some friends to Oklahoma for the weekend. They’ll stomp their foot and wrinkle up their face, and then they’ll yell that you’re the meanest, most unsympathetic person alive.

Now, let’s stop there for a moment. If your children are still young and cherub-faced, you may have difficulty imagining a day when they will hold you in complete and utter disdain. Please don’t fool yourselves. The day will come. Someday, your child will glare at you from across a room, and you’ll want to glare right back. In the choice moments when you try to correct their negative behaviors, their only response will be to laugh. This is precisely why parenting can’t happen by just one person or by just two people or even by two former spouses with the help of their new spouses. Good parenting involves more than parents and offspring. Good parenting requires community.

If your desire is for your children to grow up well, you can’t expect to do all the work yourself. If you want your child to practice what you preach, you can’t be the only person they know who is preaching that message. Form close friendships with adults who share your moral standards, and ask them to play a key role in your children’s development. Recruit people to help you raise your kids. You need community to back you up. Work to find a mature young woman who will take your daughter out for lunch. Seek out a mature young man who will shoot hoops with your son on the basketball court. Your kids will have a blast, and you can revel in the fact that you’re not the only one teaching them how to live.